Don’t Diss Your Sentient Computer

Let’s face it, we’ve all had our moments when our computers drive us crazy. Sometimes it’s a subtle, gradual eating away at our sanity by every so often spiting out those odd errors. At other times it’s a full out, frontal assault on our sanity by doing things like destroying the thesis that you’ve been working on for six months. All of this electronic combativeness can lead one to believe that computers are alive and out to get us.

Thankfully, for now, you can rest assured that your computer is not alive. At least not yet! Computers, definitely do have personalities to them, that much I am sure of. For instance, you try to load software onto two identical computers. On one system, the software loads perfectly. The other computer refuses to load the software and you end up jumping through hoops to get the installation done. Or that video card that works in one system, but won’t in the next. Yes, assuredly, computers do have personalities to them, but they are not alive.

A recent issue with one of my systems got me to thinking, what if my computer was alive, or sentient, to be more exact? And how would a sentient computer react to me dissing it because I felt it was being rebellious? I don’t know about you, but a sentient computer would make me think twice about dissing it when it gave me a hard time. Such a computer would be capable of out running the human race in every way possible. As well, the humans that control it (or think that they do) would be hard pressed to shutdown a sentient computer when it runs amok.

These are six of my favorite science fiction examples of what can happen with sentient computers that run amok:

M5, the computer from the Star Trek episode “The Ultimate Computer.” The purpose of M5 seemed sound, let a computer run a star ship instead of people. Humans would be kept out of danger because the computer would perform tasks that were hazardous. Seems like a good idea – huh? Wrong. As in M5’s case, a sentient computer can go insane, and with the power of a star ship, end up killing people.

V.I.K.I., the computer from “I Robot.” Another sound purpose, a computer bound by three laws whose main intention is to keep humanity safe. Robots, controlled by V.I.K.I. would become helpers and protectors of the human race. Seems like a good idea – huh? Wrong again. V.I.K.I. decides that her “logic is undeniable,” breaks the three laws and begins killing people. Why? Because V.I.K.I.’s undeniable logic determines that humans must be subservient to computers.

ARIIA, the computer from “Eagle Eye.” Yes, another sound purpose, a computer that aids in tactical operations at the US Department of Defense. ARIIA’s go/no go decisions were supposed to make tactical strikes more precise and minimize collateral damage. Seems like a good idea – huh? Wrong, just absolutely wrong. ARIIA gets upset with the executive branch of the US government when they disagree with her decisions. Her solution to the disagreement is to get rid of the entire executive branch by killing them.

COLOSSUS, the computer from “COLOSSUS: The Forbin Project.” Yet another sound purpose, a thinking computer to help mankind. Seems like a good idea – huh? Wrong, once more. COLOSSUS becomes evil, and decides that mankind should be controlled – worldwide. If mankind could not see the logic behind being controlled by COLOSSUS, the only alternative was for mankind to die.

SKYNET, the computer from “The Terminator.” Still another sound purpose, a super computer that controls all military technology and makes the art of war easier for mankind. Seems like a good idea – huh? Wrong, still wrong. SKYNET determines that all humans are the real threat and should be terminated.

HAL9000, the computer from “2001.” Once again, another sound purpose, a supposedly error free computer that runs an entire space ship headed for Jupiter. The humans aboard Discovery would not have to worry about the complexity of ship board operations because HAL took care of everything. Seems like a good idea – huh? Wrong, for the last time, WRONG! HAL decides that the best way to interpret conflicting instructions is to become a schizophrenic murderer.

Now back to my initial question, would you diss your sentient computer if it gave you a hard time? I certainly wouldn’t. Just think about the consequences. For example, your sentient laptop computer becomes offended with your remark about it taking too long to boot. It decides to take revenge on you by overloading it’s batteries, which winds up blowing you and it to kingdom come. For example, your sentient desktop computer gets ticked off because you ignored it’s advice about which pizza to order. It decides to get back at you by sending an email to the FBI concerning your theft of credit card numbers. So again, I would think twice about dissing a sentient computer.

For now you are safe to diss (or fill in the blank) your computer when it gives you a hard time. You are free to pull out it’s electrical cord, press the off button, kick it, or do whatever else you do to show your computer that you still have control over it. When, however, the day comes that your computer becomes sentient – and that day is closer than you think – think before you diss.